


What Got Left Behind

by LucySpencer



Series: Those Graces [70]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Better Than Canon, Canon Related, Canon Rewrite, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, POV Second Person, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-25 22:47:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12045897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucySpencer/pseuds/LucySpencer
Summary: Nick has a confession, Brian has an announcement, Fin reaches a breaking point, and Elliot's family grows.





	What Got Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! It's been so long since I updated this...thank you all so much for your infinite patience and for not giving up on me. As a reward, this chapter is extra long (and hopefully enjoyable as well).
> 
> **A/N:** not much to warn for other than Nick being a thief and Fin getting injured in a most unusual way. Otherwise, it's very mild. Title and quotes from _persuasion_ by richard thompson.
> 
> I'm so happy to be back and can't wait to know what y'all think. Thank you in advance to everyone who reads and/or comments, and thank you to Jaime, because I wouldn't have kept plugging away at this if not for her.

_{and we need to rebuild what was never there  
what got left behind}_

"Hey Liv?"

Nick's standing at the door to your office, looking hesitant. "Can I, uh, can I come in?"

"Of course," you say. You'd been meaning to touch base with him anyway, and this quiet moment while Fin and Rollins were out on a call seemed ideal. "I got an email from IA saying that you've finished your anger management course. According to the instructor, you were a model student."

"Really?"

You nod, squinting to read the laptop screen without the aid of your glasses. "Once Detective Amaro began attending my class regularly, he was a pleasure to have among my students. He participated enthusiastically in our in-class exercises and encouraged his fellow officers to do the same. I have no reservations about recommending him for unrestricted duty and I am confident he will have no further incidents in the future."

"I still think the whole thing was bullshit," he grumbles, but you can see the tips of his ears turn pink with pride.

"It was. But you jumped through their hoops, and I'm grateful you did. We can't afford to lose you here. So what did you want to talk about?"

"Oh. I, um," he says, the proud expression disappearing from his face. "I just wanted to tell you that...I'm glad you're feeling better."

"Thank you." You'd been back to work for a couple of days after your latest 'illness', and you were thankful that everyone had carried on as if it were business as usual. No one asked you about Jimmy's abrupt departure, so you assumed Amanda had handled it, although you're not sure what excuse she gave them for the article being canned. In any case, nobody seemed to be mourning his absence.

"I know it's not...I mean, I don't, I'm not a woman...but I know I've been an asshole lately and I should've been more sensitive to everything that's going on with you."

You give him a tight-lipped smile, remembering what Amanda said about him thinking that you were going through menopause. "This year hasn't been easy for any of us. But...I'm trying to change for the better, and I know you are too. So maybe we should just agree to let the past go so that we can be friends again?"

"I'd like that," he says, and seeing him grin turns your pressed smile into a genuine one. "So uh, hey. This is as good of a time as any to do this, if we're putting the past behind us..."

He reaches into his pocket, clenching some small object in his fist. "I've had this for a while, uh, carrying it around because I was meaning to give it back to you, but then...I dunno. I know I shouldn't have held onto it for so long. But..."

"It's okay, Nick, whatever it is." You assume he borrowed something while he was staying with you and then accidentally brought it home with him, but you can't figure out what he could even take that could fit in the palm of his hand. Your earrings? A pair of panties (please God, no)?

"I swear to you, I wasn't stealing it. I was always going to return it- I guess that was kind of the point. I just hope you don't think it's creepy."

You're mentally searching through your underwear drawer, trying to remember if you've noticed any of your 'special occasion' pairs , Nick? Why? "Amaro. Just give it to me, whatever it is. Please."

"It's...here." He deposits something onto your desk next to your laptop, and it takes several seconds for your eyes to identify the object.

"Nick..." It's your lotus flower necklace, something that you hadn't seen since last spring. You had noticed its absence after you moved into your current apartment, but you assumed that it had been stolen, broken, or simply left behind in your haste to move. You definitely hadn't expected to ever be reunited with it. "How did you find this?"

"I- wow. I'm admitting to being a creepy thief and tampering with a crime scene all in one. Huh. But before you...back when...ah, shit. I picked it up off your dresser when I first got called out to your apartment. When you were- missing. And I just wrapped the chain around my wrist a couple times so I could wear it like...hell, I dunno. But it kept me going cause I'd see it and think, I'm gonna give it back to her soon as I see her."

"Nick, that's..."

"I know it's weird, I'm sorry. And then it's just been sitting in my bedroom at home, because things were so crazy in the ambulance and then the hospital that I didn't even remember I had it on." He chuckles to himself. "Aman- I mean. This girl I'm kinda hanging out with," he corrects shyly, as if you'd have no idea who he was talking about, "thought it was something my side chick left behind."

"But isn't _she_ technically your side chick?" He gives you that boyish smile that gets him into (and out of) so much trouble, and you shake your head. "Whatever. Come here."

You reach out for a hug, looking over his shoulder at the little crumpled-up gold chain, and for the first time you realize just how much _love_ went into their search for you. You'd thought about the emotional and physical toll it had taken on them, and about the guilt and shame you'd felt at being the cause of that. But what you hadn't seen was how their determination to bring you home went beyond a sense of duty to a fellow human being or even a fellow officer. They wanted you to be safe and out of danger, but they also wanted you back with them as a part of their lives. Back where you belonged.

You're starting to tear up, but a ringing phone saves you from any uncomfortable displays of emotion. "Well, Amaro, it looks like I'm going to have to send you on your way."

"Huh?"

"That was the desk sergeant from downstairs," you say. "Apparently there's a guy, ah, getting off on the roller coaster at Coney Island."

"What, the ride's not enough of a thrill, so he has to do a little groping?"

"No, no. He's literally getting off on the roller coaster. Attempting to have sex with the ride...you know what, just go out there and make sure this is just a confused individual with a weird fetish and not something more sinister. Tell the unis they can have him trespassed if they want. Please?"

"But wait, Coney Island?" he asks. "Isn't that a little bit out of our jurisdiction?"

"When has that ever stopped us before?"

He shrugs. "Good point. So I guess I'll get right on that, but-"

"We're okay now, you and me. We're good," you reassure him, already knowing what he was going to ask. "And Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. For the necklace. For...everything."

_{there's a constant battle running through my head  
and I don't know what to do cause I still believe}_

"Hey, you're home," you say with mild surprise when you walk through your front door and find Brian sitting in his usual spot on the couch, his feline companion also in his usual spot (aka Brian's lap).

"I am," he agrees. "I hope you don't mind, I went ahead and ordered wings. I made sure to get some of that garlicky kind you like."

"I don't mind that at all. So...how was your day?" you ask as you open the fridge and take out a water bottle.

"It was good. Can you, uh, can we talk for a second? I mean, if you wanna get changed first, that's okay, but-"

"No, no, I'm fine. What's up?" You sit down beside him- but keep a safe distance because Peanuts is very territorial about 'his person'- and try to keep your voice and your expression neutral. You should've known something was off when he said he got you your favorite wings, the ones with that garlic sauce that he hates smelling on your breath.

Not that it would matter. It's not like you've been doing a lot of kissing lately. You came home from the station on that day after your last drunken disaster and announced to him that things were going to change, although you didn't provide any specifics, but you know that by now he's noticed that you're back on the wagon. You haven't fought since then and he's never asked for an explanation of that night, just like you've never offered him one. He's polite but cold. You fall asleep to the quiet drone of whatever he's watching on the living room TV, and you wake up in the middle of the night to see the lights from the screen flickering down the hallway. If it wasn't for the warm head-shaped indentation on the pillow next to you in the mornings, you'd think he'd never been to bed at all.

You wonder if he ever actually sleeps.

So given all that, you find his sudden decision to break the silence a little surprising. "I, uh, I've gotta tell you somethin'."

"Oh god. Did you take some of my jewelry too?" you blurt out. When he raises his eyebrows, you shake your head. "Never mind. You were saying?"

"Yeah. Okay- I don't know how to...I'm going away for a while, Liv. For work."

"You're- where? Why?"

"You know I can't tell you that." You start to roll your eyes. "Let's just say...it's a long way from here. Further away than I've ever been before."

You file away this scrap of knowledge although for all you know, he makes regular trips to that secret airbase in Kazakhstan that he's always talking about. What's further away than that? Antarctica? Because he can be such a baby when it comes to the cold and...none of this matters. He's _leaving_. "For how long?"

"A month, at least. More likely two or three."

Your brain is in overdrive trying to process this, because it wasn't part of your plan, and yet there's some weird sense of deja vu. Like you've heard this somewhere before. "But...but it's...now? You're leaving now?"

"No, no. I wouldn't spring this on you like that...I have a couple weeks."

He looks at you, squints like he's waiting for you to say something, and then just seems confused when that something is "What about Peanuts?"

"Oh. Well, I guess I was kinda hoping Abdul will come back again before then. And if he doesn't- I'll get someone else to take him in until he does. I know you probably don't want to take care of him," he says, his voice dropping like he's worried the cat will hear him and take offense.

You swear you see Peanuts shrug as he watches you. "It's not that...I just don't think he likes me."

"Huh." He scratches the cat behind the ears as if trying to heal its potentially bruised ego. "Look, Liv, I know things haven't been, ah, great around here lately"- they haven't even been _good_ \- "but what d'ya say we just try to enjoy the time I have left here. You know? Make the most of it."

"Brian, when you put it that way, you make it sound like you don't think you're gonna live to see the end of this...whatever it is you're doing," you say softly, trying to hide the waver in your voice. Sometimes you wished you could believe he really _was_ just having an elaborate affair. He'd be so much safer.

"Naw, c'mon, I didn't mean it like that. All I'm saying is- carpe diem, right? We can have a good time?"

He glances toward you for reassurance.

"Yeah, of course. It'll be fine."

_{tempted by the promise of a different life}_

The next day, you spend most of your work hours in a meeting. When you return to the precinct in the late afternoon, you find it in chaos from the most unlikely source.

"What the hell happened?" you ask Amanda as you nod toward Fin, who is in the corner of the room clutching an ice pack to his temple and pacing back and forth as he mutters to himself.

"We went to go talk with two, uh, working girls about that john that turned up dead on Monday. It didn't go well. They're not the most cooperative witnesses. I guess one of them, Tiffany- she and Fin have history. She used to strip down at the Pink Kitty while he was conducting some...undercover surveillance over there."

"And would that be on or off the clock?"

Amanda gives you a knowing shrug. "Anyway, part of his UC persona was being a shitty tipper, and Tiffany holds grudges."

"So she punched him?"

"Even better. Picked up a dildo and started smacking him with it."

You do a double take, quickly turning your head away before Fin can see you watching him. "She...that's..."

"Oh yeah, she got 'em pretty good. That's why I called you. I think someone needs to convince him to go get checked out, and he won't listen to me."

"What about Tiffany? Did you bring her in?" you ask, rubbing your forehead in apparent sympathy pains.

"Yup, she's getting booked right now. But seriously, I think he might have a concussion. He's been mumbling like that ever since we got in the car to come here."

"I'll take care of it," you promise her, heading over to Fin's desk. "Hey, F-"

"Do you know how long I've been at this job? Thirty years. Thirty goddamn years. I joined up thinking I could do a little good in the world, protect my hometown, get some pieces of shit off the streets, and you know what happens?"

"You got-"

"I bust my ass, work 60 hour weeks for a paycheck that gets smaller every year- and now I don't even get a damn _newspaper_ to make up for it- I let this job take over my whole life, and what do I get in return?"

"You-"

"My wife leaves, my kid doesn't speak to me for years," he continues, clearly not wanting you to answer for him, "I see friends get killed, get hurt, lose their minds, I watch sick sons of bitches walk free every day when there's not a fuckin' thing I can do about it, I've put up with all of you in this squad and your nonsense day in and day out-"

"Hey!"

"You know it's true! You and Elliot, now Nick and Rollins, then Munch and his...being Munch...what I'm tryin' to say is, you think I don't get tired of being the only sane person in this place?"

"What does this have to do with-"

"And what is the thanks I get? I get dick slapped! With a goddamned sparkly pink dildo!"

You can hear one of the newer unis snickering, but one sharp look from you sends him scurrying away in fear. "You're pissed. I get it. But I think you really need to-"

"I need to retire! I can't do this shit anymore!"

The mere mention of retirement sends a chill down your spine. Mild offense aside, he was right about 'being the only sane person in this place'. "Let's not make any rash decisions, especially not when-"

"Rash decisions? I've thought about retiring every day for the last ten years! Sometimes it's all I think about!"

"Okay. You know what, let's come back to this later. Right now, you really need to get checked out."

"I'm fine," he grumbles, shrugging like he hasn't just had the biggest verbal outburst you've heard from him in 15 years. "Just needs ice."

"It's still bleeding," you point out.

"So?"

"So, you might need stitches."

"If you think I'm going to go to the ER and tell them that I got hit with a dildo, you are-"

"I don't care what you tell them," you interrupt, "but I'm not going to have you bleed out in my squad room."

"Fine with me, I'm going home. For good!"

You realize that this situation is going to require your best negotiation skills, and that you probably should've paid more attention to that class back in the academy. Good thing you _do_ remember a tidbit from that HR module you had to study for the sergeants' exam. "You can't retire without your CO signing off on your paperwork."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what I said. If you want that honorable discharge so you can collect your pension, you've gotta get my signature first," you point out, praying that this tactic doesn't backfire spectacularly on you. "And I'm not signing anything until you get that looked at."

He stares at you for a moment, and when you don't blink or back down, he shakes his head. "That's messed up, Benson."

"You'll thank me later. Amanda, will you go with him?"

"Sure thing, Sarge. Fin, you ready?"

"I mean it! I'm quitting!" he huffs as Amanda leads him toward the elevator.

_{I'll always be a man who's open to persuasion}_

You get to work early the next day, assuming you'll be the first one there now that Jimmy's not around to ambush you every morning, but you're greeted by the chief's smiling face. "Sergeant!"

"I- yes, Chief?" You're confused by his cheerful demeanor, especially when he asks if the two of you can speak in his office.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here," he says once you're seated at your desk. "But first- how are you doing? I heard from Jimmy Mac that you hadn't been well-"

"What?" you squeak, face temporarily frozen in horror.

"No, no, don't worry. I told him I don't want to hear the specifics. I was married for twenty years, you know, so I'm aware of what happens with women of a...certain age. My wife had a hysterectomy when she was probably as old as you are, and-"

"Chief, it's not...I slipped on a patch of ice outside my apartment and fell. Hit my arm and my head and...that's what happened," you explain, wondering if he'll question this story.

He looks relieved, rather than suspicious. What is it with men assuming you're having 'lady' problems? Is this how it's going to be until you're old enough for them to be sure you're past menopause? "Those damn sidewalks. This winter's been a real bitch, hasn't it?"

"You could definitely say that."

"That Jimmy, I'll tell you...between you and me, I'm not going to miss him," Dodds says in a loud whisper. "But boy, could that man drink! He brought me this bottle of bourbon from-"

You nod even though you're no longer listening, eyes fixed on the leather couch in the corner of your room. You're over it, mostly, and if sometimes you scrub at your skin just a little bit harder than you have in a while? It's winter, so no one's going to question what's underneath the blazers and sweaters.

"Anyway, I got so caught up that I forgot what I came here to say. Imagine that!" he says, rubbing his hands together in excitement. "You've got quite the hero in your squad, Benson."

"I do? I mean, of course- they all are- but...?"

"You sent Detective Tutuola to the ER last night?" You nod again. "What was that all about, even? I didn't get a report."

"I'm sorry, sir, I haven't had the time to write it up. But it was just a minor injury to the head- he was speaking with a witness, the witness got angry, and she threw a...um, _object_ in his direction."

"An object?"

"An...adult toy," you say, hoping that your delicate wording will still do the trick. It's not like there's very much that's taboo at SVU, but you know the chief doesn't usually concern himself with the more graphic details of your cases, and you want to do your best to preserve what little dignity Fin might have left after this incident.

"I don't follow, Benson."

"It was a dildo." You left out the color and decor of this particular model.

"It was- oh. Oh my." He shakes his head like he wishes you hadn't told him. "Was someone able to retrieve the...weapon to use as evidence?"

"Amanda confiscated it, yes."

"Excellent. So as I was saying..."

_{after all the foolish things that we've been through  
I can always make a start on something new}_

"Wait, wait," Elliot says, setting down his coffee cup and chuckling. "So Fin spotted the subway haircutter in the ER and took him down right there?"

"Well, not quite. The nurse who was patching him up knew he was a cop, and she mentioned that there was a guy a few rooms down who looked like the Wanted posters. He came in with this story about accidentally stabbing himself in the thigh with scissors while he was sewing, which she thought was odd, so Fin asked her to stall him for a while. Once he was done, he and Amanda went to check this guy out...and sure enough, it was him."

"Was there a struggle?"

"Honestly? I don't really think so, but the story's already taken on a life of its own so it gets a little more dramatic every time. And Chief Dodds is fine with that- God knows SVU could use the positive press. I'm just happy that we caught the guy before anyone got seriously hurt, because it was only a matter of time," you say.

"And you said Fin got his own ceremony with the mayor?"

"I told you, they're desperate for something to celebrate."

Fin had been reluctant about the whole thing, both humble (and cynical) as always. "Eh, there's gotta be some scandal about to break and so they're creating a distraction."

"Hey, no," you said. "Remember everything you told me yesterday? About how hard you've worked for so long? This is your time! You deserve this, and then some."

At first he frowns, and then a broad smile breaks out on his face as he nods. "You're damn right I do!"

He tried to act cool and unimpressed when the mayor regaled the small crowd with a list of his achievements, but you could tell that he was puffing his chest out just a little bit, especially when his mother started crying from where she was seated in the front row of the audience ("That's my boy!"). And when His Honor shook Fin's hand, promising that he would personally see to it that he got a copy of the Times delivered straight to his desk every morning free of charge, he managed to get a full-fledged grin out of your unofficial #2.

"So that was our excitement for the afternoon," you sum up. "And it seems like this was enough to convince him to stay...at least for now. "

"Well, good for him," Elliot says. "He _does_ deserve it."

"He does, and it was a nice reunion. His whole family came, Alejandro was there, even Munch showed up. I wish Cragen could've seen it, but I took plenty of pictures to email to him." You look down at your phone and sigh. "I hate to do this because I know I was late to begin with, but I need to get back to the office. The Chief still wants all the paperwork on his desk by tomorrow, ceremony or no ceremony."

"You didn't even let me tell you my news," Elliot complains, eyes sparkling in the late afternoon sun.

"Shit- I got so caught up by everything else that I forgot," you apologize. "What's up? I can spare a few more minutes."

"Yours truly is officially going to be a grandpa tomorrow."

"What? Are you kidding? I thought she wasn't due until April!"

"She's not, but she's been having some health issues for a few weeks...nothing serious, but they decided it'd be safer for her _and_ Benjamin if they went ahead and delivered him as soon as she hit 37 weeks. They did some tests this morning and gave her the all-clear for tomorrow. His lungs look good and he's already a big boy, so they think she'll be fine." You know part of him is still worried, no matter what the doctors say, but he still can't stop smiling when he talks about his grandson.

"That's so exciting. Is she ready? Are _you_ ready?"

"Eh, of course. I mean, after Eli- this is going to be a breeze for everyone."

You nod knowingly. "So you're pretty much a wreck."

"She's still my baby girl! I don't care if she's having a baby of her own now. Still gonna worry."

"But she's like Kathy- she's tough. Not a whiner like her dad..." you tease, laughing when Elliot nudges your ankle with the toe of his shoe. "Are you going to be at the hospital with them?"

"Yeah, since the twins are home on break, they're going to watch Eli so Kathy and I can be up there with Mo. Once the little guy's out and his mommy's feeling like having visitors, they'll come by."

"That's...that's amazing," you say, patting his hand as you stand up. "I'm really happy for you, El."

When you got back to the office, before you started slogging your way through your pile of dick slap-related paperwork, you ordered flowers and a little blue teddy bear to be sent to the hospital in the morning. The next afternoon, you got a text from Elliot:

_[meet Benjamin. 8 pounds of future ladies' man. this is a good looking guy.]_

He attached a picture of himself holding a brand new baby wrapped up burrito-style, a tiny red knitted cap covering his head.

_[a good looking guy? don't you mean two good looking guys?]_

You bite your lip, rethinking that message as soon as you hit send because you're not sure how he'll take it. Fortunately he doesn't leave you hanging for long.

_[I guess I'm alright for a grandpa…]_

_[You're more than alright and he's adorable. Reminds me of your newborn pics of Dick and Lizzie. How's Maureen doing?]_

_[Everything went perfect and she says thanks for the gifts. She'd tell you herself but she keeps falling asleep on us. So does this little one. he's got a great set of lungs on him, though. Dr said he was crying before she could even pull him all the way out!]_

You replied back and forth a few more times before the younger Stablers showed up to meet their nephew. He said he'd send you some more pictures and that he'd tell you everything when you met for lunch on Monday, so you were surprised when you got a text from him the next morning.

_[you're not working today, right?]_

_[no, not today. what's up? how's Benjamin?]_

_[He's good. come meet him for yourself.]_

_[El. I don't know if that's a great idea…]_

_[what's wrong with it? Kathy won't be back up here until after dinner tonight. She's at some mother/son thing for Eli's school.]_

_[well. you're sure I won't be in the way? I don't want to bother them if they want some family time.]_

_[are you kidding? Maureen specifically said to tell you she'd love to see you.]_

_[well...okay. Give me an hour or so to get ready and then I'll head over?]_

_[sounds great. don't bring Brian. they have a strict no-dumbass policy.]_

Elliot meets you at the door to the maternity ward, smiling in a way you haven't seen since Eli was born. "I'm glad you could make it."

"Of course," you say as he gives you a quick side hug. "Feels like I've been waiting forever to meet him...but I'm sure that's how Maureen felt too. She's doing okay? Still up for company?"

"Absolutely. Dickie and Kathleen just got here a few minutes ago, and Chad finally went home to take a shower. He hasn't left since they got here yesterday morning, so Maureen was complaining that he was starting to stink."

"He's going to be a great dad."

"He is. She picked a good one...now I've just gotta hope the other girls do too." He notices that you're hanging back slightly as you approach Maureen's room, and he brushes your lower back with his fingertips to guide you forward. "It's okay, I promise. Go on in. Everyone can't wait to see you."

You turn your head toward the door when you hear a soft knock. Dickie and Kathleen are waving through the window, and Elliot gets up to let them in. "Hey, guys."

"Hey Dad, hey Olivia! What's up?" Dickie asks. For a moment, you're startled at how much he looks and sounds like his father, and then you realize that you haven't actually seen him since he was still in high school. The somewhat sullen teenager you remember has morphed into a smiling 21 year old who reaches out for your hand and squeezes it warmly.

"It's great to see you, Rich," you say, remembering his new preferred nickname. "You must be an awfully proud uncle."

"He's a good little dude," he agrees. "I called first dibs on the way over here, but Kathleen stole him from me."

Kathleen is standing in the corner, swaying gently and cooing to Benjamin. "So how's it going, Liv? How's your partner?"

"Still married," Elliot answers for you.

She rolls her eyes. "Dad...Liv, will you tell him I say hi?"

"Will do." You turn back to Dickie. "It's been so long since I've seen you- but your dad keeps me up to date. How's school?"

"It's okay. I got an internship for the summer working at a nursing home. I'm gonna help with activities they've got for people with dementia. Games, music, stuff like that to keep their minds active. They're letting me bring my guitar."

"Let's hope those poor old people have hearing loss too, not just memory loss!" Maureen jokes as she and Kathleen make faces at each other.

"That's impressive, Rich, good for you."

"Tell Liv what else you're doing on campus," Elliot urged. "It's really great."

Dickie shrugs, cheeks turning pink. "It's nothin' big. This semester I'm my frat's representative for our school's sex assault prevention program. We do awareness stuff, workshops for all the Greek houses on how to be an active bystander...that kinda thing."

"Wow, I...it's amazing. I remember when I first met you, and you were this little kindergartener getting in fights on the playground, and now you're all grown up and doing this incredible stuff. I see why your dad brags about you so much."

"He even made the honor roll last semester," Elliot adds.

"Not like that's hard at a SUNY school," Kathleen can't resist a dig at her brother, just in case all the praise might be going to his head.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sure it doesn't take as much studying as it does to get a degree in...what did you study? Media appreciation?"

"Media _communication_."

"That's so much better," Dickie snorts.

"Kids, kids," Elliot says. "I'm only proud of one of you, and that's my daughter Lizzie the engineer, because she's going to provide for me in my old age. Now give Liv a chance to hold the baby?"

You sit down in the recliner chair next to the bed as Kathleen carefully puts Benjamin into your arms. He's still asleep, one tiny fist poking out of the blanket he's swaddled in. "Oh, Maureen. He's perfect."

"He was worth six months of morning sickness and three months of false labor contractions. I told Chad last night that I can't wait to do it all over again."

"And what did he say?"

"That maybe I should hold off on saying that until the epidural wore off." She chuckles softly, hand reaching out to stroke the top of her son's head. "And he was right- I'm pretty sore today. But I still know I want a whole house full of 'em like Mom and Dad had."

"Enjoy having just one you can spoil with all your attention for now. It's something special you'll never quite have with the others that come afterward," Elliot advises.

You look over at Maureen, who hasn't fully taken her eyes off of Benjamin in the entire time you've been there. "Somehow I don't think you'll have to worry about him not being spoiled. And even when Mom and Dad aren't around, I can tell his grandparents and aunts and uncles will be happy to pitch in."

"You too, Liv. Once we get home from the hospital and I can move around a little easier, you should come check out our new house...and while you do, I'll sneak out the back door to go get my nails done."

"Are you... really?"

She laughs. "Oh god, no, I wouldn't do that to you! But I'm serious that we'll have you over."

"Well, honestly...I know you have plenty of babysitters, but if you ever need someone to keep an eye on him so you can have a couple hours to yourself..." you say tentatively.

"Yeah? Okay then, I might take you up on that."

"You would?"

"Of course!" she says. "You're practically an honorary auntie."

You duck your head to hide how you're beaming, watching Benjamin exhale with a tiny yawn and smack his lips together. You're unsure if he's about to wake up, but he seems firmly ensconced in dreamland, snuggling further into the crook of your arm.

"He likes you," Elliot observes quietly.

You don't know if he's conscious enough to decide whether he likes you or not, but you know you like him. You marvel at the heat radiating from his small body, how it's enough to warm you all the way to your bones, and the downy softness of the pink skin on his hands and cheeks.

"You're lucky," you say without even knowing who you're speaking to. Maybe it's Benjamin, unscarred by life and aware of nothing but warmth and love. Maybe it's his family, welcoming another member into the fold with open hearts and hope for the future. Or maybe you're speaking to yourself about how fortunate you are in this moment, getting to play a little part in it all.

You listen to the kids talking amongst themselves- Maureen describing her terrible hospital lunch and her cravings for sushi, Dickie sharing his plans for a ski weekend before he has to go back to school.

"Where'd you get money for skiing?" Elliot asks. "Last week you were telling me you didn't have enough to buy groceries."

"Mom gave it to me cause I got all A's on my midterms," he says with a smirk.

Kathleen snorts. "Oh my god. Aren't you a good little boy? Maureen, this is what you have to look forward to if you let Benjamin grow up to be a momma's boy like him."

"He can be a momma's boy for as long as he's happy with kisses and snuggles."

"Is that a hint that I should give him back?" you ask Maureen. She promises you it's not, but you tell her that you should get going anyway because you're supposed to be meeting Brian for dinner and you need to shower and change before that.

Elliot pretends to be surprised. "They let him in restaurants?"

You ignore his wisecrack and give the kids goodbye hugs, promising Maureen that you'll get together again as soon as she has a chance to rest and recover. Elliot volunteers to walk you out under the guise of heading to the cafeteria to sneak Maureen some ice cream.

They go back to their conversation as you leave, and it's only then that it really hits you how natural the whole thing was. If they suspected there had been some tension between you and Elliot and Kathy (which you knew they must), they did a hell of a job at not showing it. You felt like you belonged, even if only for that short time. Like you were part of a family.

"Hey...what's wrong?" Elliot asks when he sees you bite your lip. You shake your head to try brushing off the question, but he's not having it. "Did we say something? Is-"

"No, no." You take a few steps into the lounge just off the elevator lobby, rubbing at one of your eyes with the back of your hand. "I just...I want one."

"I...yeah. I know you do," he says, which is a surprise considering that _you_ aren't even entirely sure what you mean by 'one'. A baby? A family? Maybe just a place where you feel like you belong, where everything doesn't seem so damn hard all the time. "It's not too late, you know."

"I'm not so sure."

"What, dumbass isn't the fatherly type?" You look away, head drooping ( _'It's not that I didn't want to have a baby with you'_ ) and he quickly retracts. "Sorry, I'm sorry, that was out of line-"

"He's leaving," you blurt out, realizing that you hadn't mentioned this news to him yet.

"Leaving...?"

"For work. He'll be gone for a month, maybe more. He doesn't know."

Elliot's face is oddly contorted, as if he's simultaneously trying to smile and frown, until it finally relaxes into a more normal expression. "Are you worried? I mean, about being on your own?"

"I'll manage. Nick might come stay again- he offered, I haven't decided if I'll take him up on it," you explain.

He opens his mouth like he's about to say something before you finish speaking, but then he closes it abruptly and shakes his head. "Yeah. Yeah, of course. Nick."

"I'll be alright," you promise him.

"I have no doubt about that," he says, one corner of his mouth quirked up in this sad smile. "I meant what I said, though. It's not too late. Life's weird that way...like how I never expected to have a six year old when I was this age, but now I'm so happy I get to do it all again when I can really devote all my time to him."

"Yeah, but your situation was...different," you say, trying to avoid adding _'because you knocked up your almost-ex wife'._

"Doesn't mean it can't happen for you." When you give him a skeptical look, he presses on. "Is a baby magically going to fall out of the sky and into your arms? No, of course not. It's never that easy. But I know you, and if there's one thing I've learned about you..."

"What's that?"

"It's to never count you out. If you want something enough, you find a way to get it done. I mean, you're already making a ton of progress in your life. Maybe that's supposed to be a part of it."

"I'm gonna be okay," you promise him, because you can't think of anything else to say right now. And besides- it just might be true. If you want something enough, you find a way to get it done.

He puts an arm around you and gives your shoulder a squeeze. "Yeah, you are."

{and it's written in my soul  
after all I still believe it}


End file.
